Not If, But How: Navigating PDA with Choice, Connection, and Co-Regulation

When you're parenting or working with a child who experiences PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), it can feel like walking through a minefield of meltdowns, refusals, and power struggles. But the truth is—these children aren’t fighting us. They’re fighting for control in a world that feels unpredictable, unsafe, and overwhelming.

PDA isn’t about being oppositional for the sake of it. It’s a nervous system response. And that means the solution isn’t more control over the child—it’s more connection, collaboration, and co-regulation.

Let’s break that down.

Understanding PDA: A Deeper Dive

PDA is a profile on the autism spectrum where demands—any demands—trigger an anxiety-based response that can look like avoidance, negotiation, shutdowns, or even aggression. The child isn’t being manipulative or spoiled. Their brain and body perceive the demand as a threat to autonomy or safety, even if it seems simple to others.

Think of it as an overactive fire alarm in the brain. Even soft asks like “put on your shoes” can trigger a full internal alarm if the nervous system isn’t regulated or the ask wasn’t framed in a way that felt safe.

So What Can We Do?

The goal isn’t to eliminate demands. That’s impossible. Instead, we focus on how we present the demand and how we support the child’s nervous system through it. Here are three foundational approaches:

1. Provide Choices Wherever Possible

Why it works: Giving choices restores a sense of autonomy, helping the child feel less trapped and more engaged.

💡 Tips:

• Keep choices simple: “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red one?”

• Offer open-ended options when safe: “Do you want to go outside or stay in the playroom?”

• Use visual menus or yes/no cards when language is a barrier or the child is non-speaking.

• Don’t force a choice. Sometimes offering a “no choice right now” card or even saying, “It’s okay not to choose yet,” gives their brain time to settle.

  
  

🚫 What to avoid: False choices. Kids spot them instantly and it breaks trust.

2. Co-Regulate First, Then Problem-Solve

Why it works: When dysregulated, kids can't think clearly—let alone make choices. Co-regulation is the bridge back to safety and logic.

💡 Tips:

• Use a calm tone, fewer words, and predictable body language.

• Focus on presence, not fixing: “I see you. I’m here.”

• Lower the sensory environment: dim lights, quiet voice, no sudden changes.

• Pair with movement or sensory input: swinging, rocking, pressure input (if tolerated), or simply sitting shoulder-to-shoulder.

  
  

🔄 Remember: Co-regulation comes before redirection or reasoning. Every time.

3. Make a Plan for When Choices Aren’t Optional

Why it works: Sometimes things aren’t up for debate—emergency medicine, medical procedures, evacuations, or non-negotiables. The key is to prepare in advance—not in the moment.

💡 Tips:

• Make scripts or social stories for hard moments before they happen.

• Use language like: “We can’t skip this part, but here’s what we can choose…”

• Example: “You have to take the medicine, but you can pick if we do it in the kitchen or on the couch.”

• Create a “Safe Plan” visual with them: a laminated sheet with calming tools, choices, and reminders of what helps.

• Practice through play: roleplay doctor visits or loud environments with stuffed animals or pretend games when the child is regulated.

  
  

🔐 Anchor phrase: “This part is locked in, but let’s build the rest around you.”

A Note on Language + Labels

If PDA doesn’t sit well with you as a term, you’re not alone. Many parents and professionals prefer the phrase “Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.” It reframes the behaviors as a deep neurological need for control and predictability, not pathology.

Whether you use PDA, RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria), ODD, or no labels at all—the tools are the same:

• Build trust

• Respect autonomy

• Provide safety

• Stay regulated

• Be prepared

  
  

Creating a Supportive Environment

Creating an environment that supports children with PDA is essential. This means fostering a space where they feel safe and understood. Here are some strategies to consider:

1. Establish Routines

Routines can provide a sense of predictability. When children know what to expect, it can reduce anxiety. Consider creating a visual schedule that outlines daily activities. This way, they can anticipate transitions and feel more in control.

2. Use Positive Reinforcement

Celebrate small victories. Positive reinforcement can motivate children to engage in desired behaviors. Whether it’s verbal praise or a small reward, acknowledging their efforts can build confidence and encourage cooperation.

3. Foster Open Communication

Encourage children to express their feelings. Create a safe space for them to share their thoughts and concerns. This can help them feel heard and valued, which is crucial for building trust.

Final Thoughts

Our kids aren’t broken—they’re asking for the world to meet them differently. Every refusal is communication. Every shutdown is a boundary. Every meltdown is a body trying to protect itself from perceived threat.

When we give choices, co-regulate, and plan ahead, we don’t just avoid the meltdown—we build a relationship where the child feels safe, seen, and empowered. And that’s what every child deserves.

In this journey, let’s remember: “We’re in this together.” By embracing connection and understanding, we can create a world that nurtures and uplifts our children, helping them thrive in their unique ways.